if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
