I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
