my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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