I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
