even my farts smell like vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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