onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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