True but thats because hes a fetus.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
