fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then he peed in my hair
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
