I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
