If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
