1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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