you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
