a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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