My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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