Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
