nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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