Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
