My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
