i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
