Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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