what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
