Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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