Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
