I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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