No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Let's get the cat blown out
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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