I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
