I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
