Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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