If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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