Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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