I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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