I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
