Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
