You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
