Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
