I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
