Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
