He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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