The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
