my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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