I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
