Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
