She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
