She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
pray to the hookup gods
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
