just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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