I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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