My first STD was from a foam party
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
