just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
