I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
