I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
